Where is my little girl?

FYI- Not my kids

I am the oldest of  four girls.  I used to pick on my sisters like no tomorrow.  Don't get me wrong... they had it coming.  Looking back, I realize I was pretty ruthless.  Don't be fooled by the cute dresses and baby dolls.  Little girls are worse than little boys.  Its not just physical.  We get down on an emotional level as well.  This is very normal.  Siblings fight. They bicker.  They hate each others guts one minute and are the best of friends the next.  It was the same way for my sisters and I.  Now I see it in my kids. 

My mom used to tell me, "Just wait.  One day you will have kids.  And it will be worse for you."  I secretly think that woman cursed me.  My mom is no longer with me in the physical sense but always in my head.  Yes, she is that nagging voice that I will never outgrow.  I know she is laughing hysterically.  Up there with her heaven posse just shaking their heads over coke and rum.  Watching me flounder as I try to put my eleven year old daughter in her place. 


Yes Mom, I know, PAYBACK IS A BITCH!   I hate it when she's right!

I had an attitude.  Only at home.  I wasn't disrespectful to my teachers or anyone else.  Just my parents.  Lucky them.  Now its my turn. My daughter is my clone.  I swear she has the same moans and groans that I did.  The same damn eye roll.  The flopping on the furniture when she is told to do something. She picks on her siblings just as much as I did.  Why did that part of my beautiful DNA have to be passed on?  Seriously?!

Where did that sweet little girl go?  Oh, she is still there.  Somewhere.  I catch a glimpse of her from time to time. I know all little girls grow up.  And that is what my daughter is doing.  She has gone from Disney Princesses to Jonas Brothers (can you blame her).  From cute little dresses with Mary Jane shoes to a Punky Brewster like closet. 

She is becoming herself.  Learning who she is.  Who she wants to be.  She will change many times over the years.  Trying on one identity or another.  Its what we do.  Its what I did.  I have to learn to step back and just watch. Watch her as she grows in a young woman.  BUT ITS SO HARD!!!!  I still want her to be little.  I remember my mother always asking me where the little girl went.  I never thought I was changing but now I understand.  Right before my mom's very eyes I morphed into another person.  Just as my daughter is doing now.  In reality it doesn't happen over night but to a mother it feels that way. 

My little girl is just beginning her journey.    There will be times that I will want to tell her what path to take and what to do but I must try to let her chose.  I know that she is going to drive me crazy.  And I, in turn will do the same for her.  And one of these days I will pass on those pearls of wisdom.  Just like my mom before me.  "PAYBACK IS A BITCH!"  Oh, how I look forward to it!

Crap! I forgot I had a blog!!

Whoa! Its been awhile.  Life has been crazy lately.  Here is an update.

#1- I got into second year nursing school.  Woot Woot.  Yes, I am on my way to my RN.  I am very excited and scared.  The material is insanely difficult this year but I vow to get through it all.  I am blessed to have wonderful classmates who are supportive.  We have a great class.  Our instructors could use a swift kick in the motivation department.  I have never met such negative Nellies before.  Oh well they won't take me down. 

#2- My husband, Jason, had surgery on August 18th.  He had his right salivary gland removed.  The gland was send to pathology who then sent it to Mayo Clinic.  We found out two weeks later that it was cancerous.  He has Mammary Analogue Secretory Carninoma.  Ya, that is exactly what I thought. WTF!?!?!?!  It is very rare and the doctors really don't know anything about it.  The good thing is that it is a low grade cancer.  Jason, will start radiation treatment next week to make sure there aren't any lingering pesky cancer cells that may spread.  Please keep in your thoughts and prayers.

#3- My little sister, MaryAnne, was deployed on September 11th.  She will be going to the "sandbox".  I am glad that we were able to send her off and spend time together.  I just wish that she did not have to be a part of this senseless war.  She is brave and I am really proud of her.  Please pray for my sister as well. 

#4- I still have four kids that make my household crazytown.  I love it.  I love them.  Lately things have been stressed and I know they have been affected but we will all make it through.

As you can see life is... well... its life.  Its unpredictable.  I could do without a few of the stressors but really they make me who I am.  I really don't have any complaints.  Ok, that is a blatant lie, but we all complain.  I have beautiful kids who are little shits every now and then.  I am getting closer to my career as a nurse.  I am hopelessly in love with my husband.  We go through rough patches like any other relationship but is to be expected.  I am happy to say that the passion we had when we first met is no longer there.  It has multiplied.  I never thought that happened. I guess we are just lucky. 

So I am going to take life one day at a time.  With all that is going on that is all I can handle.  Not everyday am I at my best.  Some days I look back and I cringe at my attitude or something else.  But I am trying to embrace each new day with a positive outlook. 

Caught Between the Future and the Past

Here I sit at my kitchen table.  Just another ordinary day in my house.  There is a mess to clean up.  Kids to feed.  Bank balances to worry about.  And weight to lose.  Same thing day after day.  This is my present.  We are often told to live in the present and embrace it.  The present is all that we have  The past is gone and the future cannot be promised. 

So, if the present is all that we have then why do we focus on the past and future so much?  Why do we plan ahead?  Why do we sit and think about days past?  Why do we waste today, the now, for tomorrow?

I believe it is because, one day, we hope for a better present. That with all the planning and looking towards the future that one day will be the present we want.  This is why we go to school, learn to read, fall in love, get a job and worry about what we eat.  Someday, we plan to be happy with our present.  We look back on our past for the good memories as well as the bad. This helps ignite our desire to keep looking to the future.

This past month I have done nothing much but look to the future.  I am finished with my LPN training.  I have been studying for the NCLEX-PN.  My plans are all still in the future.  Take the test.  Pass the test.  Get a job that I enjoy and won't hate with every fiber of my being.  Maybe, just maybe, get a letter someday soon, saying that I am in the second year RN program.  Receive a steady paycheck so I won't have to worry about money.  Be able to take my family to Disney World or at least be able to pay for their school tuition. 

Here I wait in the present.  Its out of my control right now as I wait for the agency to send me my ATT # so I can take the test.  I have no control over getting into the RN program.  I feel very much like a puppet.  Someone else has to pull the strings in order for something to happen.  This is my present.

I also worry about my husband who will be having major surgery in a few weeks.  While we both believe it will all be ok, I can't help but wonder.  What if something bad happens?  How will our future be then?  Once again the outcome is out of our control.

I know, put it in God's hands.  I believe in God.  I also believe that while I may pray for him to make it all ok and to help us reach our future, I know that is not what he does.  I believe, He is there to comfort us as we travel through our lives.  Just like the Father He is, He is there when we need him but won't tell us what to do with our lives.  That is up us to decide on our own.  But He is there always with a hug.  So, yes, I offer my prayers up to God.  Ask for His help but mainly for His grace to make it through my present to the future I want for not only me but my family.

Lately, no, I haven't been living in my present.  I haven't really been living.  Just waiting in limbo.  For the next step to take in order to reach my future.  I don't feel like I have been the best mom this past month or the best wife. Its sad because this should have been the time to actually be with my children while I can.  They are off of school and I'm not working at the time.  But no, I have worried and planned.  That present is gone and has now become the past.  I cannot get it back. 

I won't say that I will always live in the present.  Its not human nature to do so.  We have to plan.  What's for dinner?  What will I wear?  What do I need to get the kids for school?  When will my husband be home from work?  But I will try to remember that the present is all I have.  All that I can offer someone else.  I may work towards a better future but what happens if I don't make it that future?  What will they have of me then?  Take the present.  Open it up and it enjoy it.  We only have now. We are caught between the future and the past and that will never change.

Girls Night Out!

Its time for another GNO, Girls Night Out, and I am so stoked for it.  I've blogged before about the need to be yourself and embracing it.  And that while you may be a mother and wife you are still your own person. For many years I forgot that. 

I love GNO!  Its a time when I don't have to be all those other things.  I'm just Nancy Marie.  The girl who loves to laugh, dance and just have fun. Its time to get crazy!  On GNO I try to look good enough to eat (after 4 kiddos not so easy).  If I look sexy.  I feel sexy!

Now, you might want to ask why I would want to look sexy on GNO when my hubby isn't even out with me.  Here is my answer; When I am out with my hubby on a date night I try to be sexy for him too.  He tells me I'm sexy even if its been two days since I have showered and my legs have a winter coat.  Nice image,huh? Sometimes, it just feels good to be sexy for me.  To know that I look good. That's right, boys! I still got it! Plus, it is very flattering to have a man ask me to dance or buy me a drink.  Most of the time I accept. Hellooooo free drinks!! Seriously, I don't see the harm in dancing with someone other than my husband.  In fact what a great compliment to him that someone thinks his wife is smoking hot (not that that is the case).

I do not have a jealous husband.  I know that he completely trusts me and I him.  Knowing this makes GNO so much more fun.  I can flirt.  I can have fun.  I can show an amazing amount of cleavage.  Then I can go home and ravish my husband.  So, you see, my husband likes GNO too!

GNO is a time that I can focus on me.  We don't talk about the kids, much.  We don't bitch about the husbands, much.  Its about the girls.  The giggles.  The booty shaking.  The appreciation of a good strong drink with a dirty name. 

So after I get my house cleaned up a bit the GNO process will begin.  I will turn on my music.  Loud always loud.  Take a long shower.  Shave my legs.  Pluck some brows.  Paint my nails.  Fix my do.  Apply some makeup to enhance my beauty.  Spritz some body spray... tonight I may use the glitter kind.  Hug the kids.  Kiss my husband (he's looking forward to that ravishing).  Grab the keys and take off in my mini van.  What happens after that... well... I'll never tell!


I will be seeing Sally Brooks do her comedy routine tonight as part of GNO.  Here is a taste of what she does.  I have blogged about her before and she is amazing.  If you are watching and the kids are near turn it down or wait for their naps.  She is one foul mouth mutha but hilarious!!  Enjoy!

Twitter is My Crack!

I've become Twitter obsessed. Seriously, I haven't been able to pull myself away from my computer today. How did this happen?  I used to be so lost when it came to social networking.  When I first got an email address in college I had no clue what to do.  I never used it.  Mainly because I didn't have a computer other than the ones in the college labs.  Then instant messaging came out and I used that a little bit but only to chat with my mom after I got married.  After that it was MySpace.  I had three friends.  The only message I received was from an ex who wanted to apologize for how we split up.  This was after 9 years of being broken up and I was already married with three children when I got the message.  In 2008 my friend tells me I should get on Facebook. I created an account and instantly became hooked on that.  But with Facebook I keep up with friends and family.  We post pictures and give updates on our daily lives.

Now I have Twitter.  Twitter is the crack of social networking.  It can be dirty and you keep coming back for more.  I have "met" interesting folks on Twitter.  A lot of fellow bloggers sharing throughout the day.  Others are Echelon (fan family of 30 Seconds to Mars) which it is really cool to tweet with them.  I get excited when I get online and I have new followers. How special do I feel?  And why do I need that to feel special?  I'm telling you... CRACK!!! 

The thing about twitter is you never know who is going to be on or what will be said.  Its so mysterious.  When I tweet with Echelon I love how supportive we are of the band and we all get excited.  We are from all over the world too! Last night 30 Seconds to Mars had their unplugged concert aired on MTV.com.  Echelon all over the world were watching it (or trying to at least).  And while it was airing we were tweeting.  It was kind of moving.

I also love that I can tweet the band and they may reply.  Let me share here that I have been tweeted back by Jared Leto (my world literally stopped) and Tomo Milicevic (he gave me advice on my anniversary). I just need a reply from Shannon Leto and I will have the trifecta. It bridges a gap between fan and celebrity.

With Twitter I can sort of keep in touch with my family but we mainly use Facebook for that.  Twitter is mainly for keeping in touch with people I don't know.  How wacky did that just sound?  At times I am a lurker.  I feel very voyeuristic when I am on Twitter sometimes. Sometimes its like a car accident you have to see what happens next. 

If I don't have laptop with me I can still get some tweets on my phone.  I have a crappy phone right now (will get an iPhone once I get a nursing job).  But I have my twitter account set up so that I can receive certain people's tweets.  Any of my family comes straight to my phone.  And of course Jared Leto's. I now put my phone on silent at night because Jared has been known to answer fan tweets until the wee hours of the morning.  Which is fabulous that he reaches out to fans.  Not so fabulous when your phone goes off every 2 minutes. Its quite funny!  My husband now asks what Jared has to say when my phone beeps with a text message. He has learned to accept it. I do have the greatest husband in the world.

The first step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have a problem.  Right?  Well... I.... its nothing really... I .. just ... like to see what is going on.  I can quit whenever I want... You can't make me.... What ... what are you doing?  Get away from my Twitter...  what if Jared has something that I really must know?  Okay... I am calming down.  I will set a limit.  I will only use Twitter at certain times of the day and the house must be in order (false promise right there).  Starting tomorrow!!!!

I wonder, is there a 12 step program out there?

Oh and I almost forgot.  You can follow me on Twitter at @DDDOhMy   Tweet you later!

What Time Management?

Thanks to Urban Agricoaching for this topic.  I asked for a blog post idea. Time management was suggested.  At first I just laughed but then I thought, hell, why not.  So here it is.

I am not good with time management at all.  Often, I am running through the house trying to get everyone ready for school, a game, church or whatever else is going on.  I am, however, mostly on time.  I really dislike it when people are late and I have to wait on them.  I find it to be a huge form of disrespect.  I try my best to keep my family on time so I expect the same from others.

My favorite line is "Its prioritizing not procrastination".  In nursing school they like to call us procrastinators if we don't complete something within a day of it being assigned even though we have a week or two to finish it. The instructors don't seem to understand that the majority of us have families, jobs and other responsibilities that need to be taken care of.  Sometimes homework gets pushed to the back burner.  It will get done just not right away. 

Even now as I am trying to type this post I am having a hard time fitting it in between a son who is puking and a daughter who is whiny.  Not to mention laundry, dishes and studying for the NCLEX.... who am I kidding.  I am so procrastinating right now. I don't know anything about time management.  I am lucky if I get anything accomplished. 

All I know is that I get it all done.  How I do it is some kind of freakin miracle.

Ask Me!

Here is your opportunity to ask me any question. What do you want to know about me?  Remember this is a family blog.  Make it fun.  I will answer all questions in tomorrow's post.  Have a great day!