Monday, October 24, 2011

Where is my little girl?

FYI- Not my kids

I am the oldest of  four girls.  I used to pick on my sisters like no tomorrow.  Don't get me wrong... they had it coming.  Looking back, I realize I was pretty ruthless.  Don't be fooled by the cute dresses and baby dolls.  Little girls are worse than little boys.  Its not just physical.  We get down on an emotional level as well.  This is very normal.  Siblings fight. They bicker.  They hate each others guts one minute and are the best of friends the next.  It was the same way for my sisters and I.  Now I see it in my kids. 

My mom used to tell me, "Just wait.  One day you will have kids.  And it will be worse for you."  I secretly think that woman cursed me.  My mom is no longer with me in the physical sense but always in my head.  Yes, she is that nagging voice that I will never outgrow.  I know she is laughing hysterically.  Up there with her heaven posse just shaking their heads over coke and rum.  Watching me flounder as I try to put my eleven year old daughter in her place. 

Yes Mom, I know, PAYBACK IS A BITCH!   I hate it when she's right!

I had an attitude.  Only at home.  I wasn't disrespectful to my teachers or anyone else.  Just my parents.  Lucky them.  Now its my turn. My daughter is my clone.  I swear she has the same moans and groans that I did.  The same damn eye roll.  The flopping on the furniture when she is told to do something. She picks on her siblings just as much as I did.  Why did that part of my beautiful DNA have to be passed on?  Seriously?!

Where did that sweet little girl go?  Oh, she is still there.  Somewhere.  I catch a glimpse of her from time to time. I know all little girls grow up.  And that is what my daughter is doing.  She has gone from Disney Princesses to Jonas Brothers (can you blame her).  From cute little dresses with Mary Jane shoes to a Punky Brewster like closet. 

She is becoming herself.  Learning who she is.  Who she wants to be.  She will change many times over the years.  Trying on one identity or another.  Its what we do.  Its what I did.  I have to learn to step back and just watch. Watch her as she grows in a young woman.  BUT ITS SO HARD!!!!  I still want her to be little.  I remember my mother always asking me where the little girl went.  I never thought I was changing but now I understand.  Right before my mom's very eyes I morphed into another person.  Just as my daughter is doing now.  In reality it doesn't happen over night but to a mother it feels that way. 

My little girl is just beginning her journey.    There will be times that I will want to tell her what path to take and what to do but I must try to let her chose.  I know that she is going to drive me crazy.  And I, in turn will do the same for her.  And one of these days I will pass on those pearls of wisdom.  Just like my mom before me.  "PAYBACK IS A BITCH!"  Oh, how I look forward to it!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Crap! I forgot I had a blog!!

Whoa! Its been awhile.  Life has been crazy lately.  Here is an update.

#1- I got into second year nursing school.  Woot Woot.  Yes, I am on my way to my RN.  I am very excited and scared.  The material is insanely difficult this year but I vow to get through it all.  I am blessed to have wonderful classmates who are supportive.  We have a great class.  Our instructors could use a swift kick in the motivation department.  I have never met such negative Nellies before.  Oh well they won't take me down. 

#2- My husband, Jason, had surgery on August 18th.  He had his right salivary gland removed.  The gland was send to pathology who then sent it to Mayo Clinic.  We found out two weeks later that it was cancerous.  He has Mammary Analogue Secretory Carninoma.  Ya, that is exactly what I thought. WTF!?!?!?!  It is very rare and the doctors really don't know anything about it.  The good thing is that it is a low grade cancer.  Jason, will start radiation treatment next week to make sure there aren't any lingering pesky cancer cells that may spread.  Please keep in your thoughts and prayers.

#3- My little sister, MaryAnne, was deployed on September 11th.  She will be going to the "sandbox".  I am glad that we were able to send her off and spend time together.  I just wish that she did not have to be a part of this senseless war.  She is brave and I am really proud of her.  Please pray for my sister as well. 

#4- I still have four kids that make my household crazytown.  I love it.  I love them.  Lately things have been stressed and I know they have been affected but we will all make it through.

As you can see life is... well... its life.  Its unpredictable.  I could do without a few of the stressors but really they make me who I am.  I really don't have any complaints.  Ok, that is a blatant lie, but we all complain.  I have beautiful kids who are little shits every now and then.  I am getting closer to my career as a nurse.  I am hopelessly in love with my husband.  We go through rough patches like any other relationship but is to be expected.  I am happy to say that the passion we had when we first met is no longer there.  It has multiplied.  I never thought that happened. I guess we are just lucky. 

So I am going to take life one day at a time.  With all that is going on that is all I can handle.  Not everyday am I at my best.  Some days I look back and I cringe at my attitude or something else.  But I am trying to embrace each new day with a positive outlook.