Monday, October 24, 2011

Where is my little girl?

FYI- Not my kids

I am the oldest of  four girls.  I used to pick on my sisters like no tomorrow.  Don't get me wrong... they had it coming.  Looking back, I realize I was pretty ruthless.  Don't be fooled by the cute dresses and baby dolls.  Little girls are worse than little boys.  Its not just physical.  We get down on an emotional level as well.  This is very normal.  Siblings fight. They bicker.  They hate each others guts one minute and are the best of friends the next.  It was the same way for my sisters and I.  Now I see it in my kids. 

My mom used to tell me, "Just wait.  One day you will have kids.  And it will be worse for you."  I secretly think that woman cursed me.  My mom is no longer with me in the physical sense but always in my head.  Yes, she is that nagging voice that I will never outgrow.  I know she is laughing hysterically.  Up there with her heaven posse just shaking their heads over coke and rum.  Watching me flounder as I try to put my eleven year old daughter in her place. 

Yes Mom, I know, PAYBACK IS A BITCH!   I hate it when she's right!

I had an attitude.  Only at home.  I wasn't disrespectful to my teachers or anyone else.  Just my parents.  Lucky them.  Now its my turn. My daughter is my clone.  I swear she has the same moans and groans that I did.  The same damn eye roll.  The flopping on the furniture when she is told to do something. She picks on her siblings just as much as I did.  Why did that part of my beautiful DNA have to be passed on?  Seriously?!

Where did that sweet little girl go?  Oh, she is still there.  Somewhere.  I catch a glimpse of her from time to time. I know all little girls grow up.  And that is what my daughter is doing.  She has gone from Disney Princesses to Jonas Brothers (can you blame her).  From cute little dresses with Mary Jane shoes to a Punky Brewster like closet. 

She is becoming herself.  Learning who she is.  Who she wants to be.  She will change many times over the years.  Trying on one identity or another.  Its what we do.  Its what I did.  I have to learn to step back and just watch. Watch her as she grows in a young woman.  BUT ITS SO HARD!!!!  I still want her to be little.  I remember my mother always asking me where the little girl went.  I never thought I was changing but now I understand.  Right before my mom's very eyes I morphed into another person.  Just as my daughter is doing now.  In reality it doesn't happen over night but to a mother it feels that way. 

My little girl is just beginning her journey.    There will be times that I will want to tell her what path to take and what to do but I must try to let her chose.  I know that she is going to drive me crazy.  And I, in turn will do the same for her.  And one of these days I will pass on those pearls of wisdom.  Just like my mom before me.  "PAYBACK IS A BITCH!"  Oh, how I look forward to it!

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