Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Square Peg in Circle Hole

Remember when you were younger and no matter what you did it was wrong?  You would yell back at your parents, "Its my life. I can do whatever the hell I want to do with it."  Most of us have been there.  Those days of trying to figure out what we wanted.  Wondering what our future held.  Becoming the person we were meant to be. It was hard.  Very hard.  I remember feeling like a square peg trying to fit into the circle hole the world had ready for me.  It just wasn't working.

When I went to college I did not have a clue where to go.  I was so young.  How do we expect someone so young to make such a big decision about their future before they have lived?  I was a drama major for two years.  Yup, I can do stage combat and a pretty awesome monologue.  However, there isn't much of a need in the midwest for this type of career. 

I remember trying to grow up.  Fit into that circle hole just like everyone else.  I had a mature relationship that when looking back I cringe.  I thought I was so in love but it wasn't real.  After one year that relationship ended and I finally made one of my first adult decisions.  Just live.

Once I made this decision and surrounded myself with people who truly loved me for me my life changed.  I met the man who would become my husband and the father of my children.  I decided to leave college and got married at the age of 21. To some that may seem way to young to get married and for most it is.  But for me I was living.  My husband is my best friend.  He sees me for me and I don't have to pretend to be anyone else. 

However, after a couple of years I once again was trying to fit into that circle hole.  I tried to make my house look like others.  Be the type of  wife and mother that others thought I should be.  I was going through the motions of my life.  Like one of the robots at Disney World.  Doing exactly what they are programmed to do.  Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't really change any of my past.  But I still wasn't the person that I wanted to be.  I felt like I was faking it.

Fast forward to the present.  Things are turning around.  I have really been thinking about who I am and what others may see.  This is one of the reasons I decided to go to nursing school.  It was something I never would have thought about at the age of 18.  I hadn't lived enough to know that I would actually be good at it.  I really do have a passion for nursing.  It inspires me and motivates me.  I am very excited about the learning and the newness it is bringing to my life. 

I have also decided that I am not going to hide who I really am anymore.  Sure, I am a wife, mother, sister, student, girl scout leader, religion teacher and so on.  But why should I fake who I am because of what someone else feels those people (listed above) should be like. 

Here is who I am.... I am Nancy Marie.  I have always been in my head.  Ever since I was little I would get lost in thought or in a day dream.  It would drive my mother crazy and she even took me to the doctor about it.  It never affected my school work or how I interacted with others but it weirded her out because I was in my own little world.  I haven't changed.  There are days I just want to turn music on and get lost in my head again.  I don't get that chance all to often because I do have responsibilities. 

I also write.  I write silly little poems about my kids or more serious about my marriage.  I love writing.  If I could truly get paid for it I would do it.  I am constantly writing up little stories.  And I don't write happy stories.  I have a very dark side when it comes to what I write and read.  Maybe its because I do have a happy life that I need to fill my dark side quota.  Who knows. 

I listen to all types of music.  I don't have a specific genre that I listen to.  I love Britney Spears as much as I love Cat Stevens.  Music is music and its all wonderful.  To add to that... I love to dance.  I will get up and dance and shake my much larger ass if I want to.  Its who I am.  And yes I will dance naughty because I am an adult. 

I love to go out and drink and be rowdy with my friends.  Yes, we make sure to have a DD.  Yes, safety first.  I don't want to have to worry about always being on my best behavior because of what someone else may think.  Screw them. 

I understand that there is a time and place for everything.  I know when to be professional and went to act out.  But I am tired of hiding behind of what I think everyone else wants to see.  I will be turning 29 (33 if you are actually keeping track) this Saturday.  By now I know what I want.  I still want my husband. I love him so much and he truly is my best friend.  I want my children.  Oh, they are such beautiful, small human beings.  I want to be an amazing nurse.  I want to get lost in thought.  I want to dance.  I want to be me and let all the world know who Nancy Marie is.  I'm not perfect.  But I am me.  This is what you get.  And if you don't like it.. well guess what... I think you need to find out who you really are. 


  1. Nancy,

    I love your post you are truely great at writing..and you know what i love you for you and everything you have done as a mother a sister and wife, I do look up to you cause since we lost mom, you remind me the most of her and I love it....for some reason i have tears in my eyes but i think it cause i love our lives and everything about them.
    keep living your life and love it

  2. I love you too with all my heart. I am also so proud of you. You are an amazing women and I know Mom is extremely proud of you.