Caught Between the Future and the Past

Here I sit at my kitchen table.  Just another ordinary day in my house.  There is a mess to clean up.  Kids to feed.  Bank balances to worry about.  And weight to lose.  Same thing day after day.  This is my present.  We are often told to live in the present and embrace it.  The present is all that we have  The past is gone and the future cannot be promised. 

So, if the present is all that we have then why do we focus on the past and future so much?  Why do we plan ahead?  Why do we sit and think about days past?  Why do we waste today, the now, for tomorrow?

I believe it is because, one day, we hope for a better present. That with all the planning and looking towards the future that one day will be the present we want.  This is why we go to school, learn to read, fall in love, get a job and worry about what we eat.  Someday, we plan to be happy with our present.  We look back on our past for the good memories as well as the bad. This helps ignite our desire to keep looking to the future.

This past month I have done nothing much but look to the future.  I am finished with my LPN training.  I have been studying for the NCLEX-PN.  My plans are all still in the future.  Take the test.  Pass the test.  Get a job that I enjoy and won't hate with every fiber of my being.  Maybe, just maybe, get a letter someday soon, saying that I am in the second year RN program.  Receive a steady paycheck so I won't have to worry about money.  Be able to take my family to Disney World or at least be able to pay for their school tuition. 

Here I wait in the present.  Its out of my control right now as I wait for the agency to send me my ATT # so I can take the test.  I have no control over getting into the RN program.  I feel very much like a puppet.  Someone else has to pull the strings in order for something to happen.  This is my present.

I also worry about my husband who will be having major surgery in a few weeks.  While we both believe it will all be ok, I can't help but wonder.  What if something bad happens?  How will our future be then?  Once again the outcome is out of our control.

I know, put it in God's hands.  I believe in God.  I also believe that while I may pray for him to make it all ok and to help us reach our future, I know that is not what he does.  I believe, He is there to comfort us as we travel through our lives.  Just like the Father He is, He is there when we need him but won't tell us what to do with our lives.  That is up us to decide on our own.  But He is there always with a hug.  So, yes, I offer my prayers up to God.  Ask for His help but mainly for His grace to make it through my present to the future I want for not only me but my family.

Lately, no, I haven't been living in my present.  I haven't really been living.  Just waiting in limbo.  For the next step to take in order to reach my future.  I don't feel like I have been the best mom this past month or the best wife. Its sad because this should have been the time to actually be with my children while I can.  They are off of school and I'm not working at the time.  But no, I have worried and planned.  That present is gone and has now become the past.  I cannot get it back. 

I won't say that I will always live in the present.  Its not human nature to do so.  We have to plan.  What's for dinner?  What will I wear?  What do I need to get the kids for school?  When will my husband be home from work?  But I will try to remember that the present is all I have.  All that I can offer someone else.  I may work towards a better future but what happens if I don't make it that future?  What will they have of me then?  Take the present.  Open it up and it enjoy it.  We only have now. We are caught between the future and the past and that will never change.